Second Try's a Charm

We're pregnant again!!! I took this test this morning- the day my period was supposed to show up. So I'm exactly 4 weeks. Estimated due date: March 31. I feel cautiously optimistic but still worried. I remember feeling this way with Tyler, since his pregnancy followed my first miscarriage. It's so hard to hope after loss sometimes. But I'm trying not to let those negative feelings take over. 

Symptoms wise I'm feeling pretty good. Slightly sore boobs and some cramps. I've decided to be grateful for the cramps. I had cramps with Tyler and Clara, but none last time. So cramps are good, right? I hope I feel sick soon. (I can't believe I'm saying that! Ha!) That will be the real test for me. Well that and seeing a heartbeat on a screen!! Last time I never ever felt an inkling of sickness. I checked back and found I started feeling sick around 5 weeks with Tyler and 5 1/2 to 6 weeks with Clara so I can't worry yet. Still have a week or two before I can even expect much. 

I pray constantly for this little peanut!

For Memory Sake

As of today it has been 9 days since I started miscarrying. I still have occasional spotting, but basically it's over. I had my hcg tested this morning and it was at 11! I am almost back to normal! Since I've already dealt with the loss, I'm just happy I can move on and start over. I plan on waiting one period, but after that hopefully I can get pregnant again quickly. The miscarriage process itself was not that difficult, thank goodness! I was kind of nervous. This was my first natural miscarriage so I wasn't sure what to expect. Everything online made it sound really painful and scary. But it was relatively easy actually. Like a slightly more uncomfortable period. I guess the people that post online (as with most things) are the ones that have bad experiences, not good ones. Anyway, my cramping was pretty light. The most painful part was the pressure for the first few days. It made standing up and moving around pretty uncomfortable, but I could still function. I believe I passed most everything Saturday and Sunday, about 3 days after I started bleeding. Since then it's slowly gotten lighter and lighter. Hopefully, in a few months I will be back posting about my new, healthy pregnancy!

An End to the Wait

Luckily, I didn't have to wait long - or at all really. This morning I started bleeding. So far it's nothing too heavy or painful, but I assume it is just the beginning of this whole miscarriage process. To be honest, I am relieved. Waiting was harder than this. Now at least I know and I can move on. I am surprising myself at how well I am handling it. It helps that its been going on for a week so I have had time to process it and accept it. This baby was obviously not meant to be. Hopefully we will be able to get pregnant again soon and everything will be fine and healthy with that baby.

Seriously?

Well, this appointment wasn't exactly what I thought it would be. I had hoped for something definitive, but what I got was a whole lot more unanswered questions. Let's start at the beginning. The doctor I saw was very nice and I could tell he was really trying to give me hope (although I really didn't want hope if there wasn't any hope to be had - and I was pretty convinced there wasn't any.) So after his spiel about how I really wasn't far enough along to tell if the pregnancy was viable, I asked him about my hcg numbers and he said, "oh I don't really go by those. They vary so much." AHHH seriously!? So OF COURSE my hope grew. He continued to check my cervix - still closed. And started the ultrasound and that's when things got weird. First he said, "well as you can see, you already passed the baby." Wait. What? Is that even possible without bleeding? And with a closed cervix for that matter? Then he said, "Oh wait. There it is, but it's lots smaller! Like half the size. Maybe you passed part of it."  Um...what? Then he said, "Actually, I don't think this is what they were looking at last week, because this is no where near your cervix. They must have seen something else. (goes back to scan cervix area) Yep, they probably saw that thing. Looks like a blood clot. The real baby is up here in your uterus - totally normal spot. Nice and round. But definitely small. Maybe your dates are off. Could your dates be off?" By this point I was so confused I didn't even know what to think. Basically, the "baby" that has been freaking me and every doctor out wasn't even a baby? It was a blood clot!? Seriously? I told him when I got my positive pregnancy test and he agreed that my dates couldn't be too far off, so I am definitely measuring small, which isn't good.

 All in all, I am still most likely going to miscarry, but it's not low or irregularly shaped or anything. It's a normal pregnancy, in the normal part of my uterus, and it is slowly developing. He made a point that all pregnancies develop at different rates and there was still a chance, albeit a very small one, that I could go on to have a healthy baby in December. He told me no more hcg tests, because they won't tell him much, and to wait 2 weeks. In his opinion, if I am going to lose the baby I will in the next 2 weeks, if I don't then an ultrasound at that point should show something. So still in the waiting game.

I seriously have no intuition or feeling as to which direction this will go. I have decided to just live my life and see what happens. Heavenly Father is in charge. Nothing I do at this point will change anything. I am not in any danger (thankfully!) so I am handing it over to God and letting His will happen. Two weeks isn't too long and if I miscarry it may be less than 2 weeks. I am kind of separating my heart and mind from this pregnancy for the time being, because I just can't get emotionally attached or involved while there is so much up in the air. Here's to two more weeks (give or take) of waiting!  

Roller Coaster

Seriously, this is going to drive me nuts! My third hcg was only 2272 which was only a 37% increase in 3 days. Definitely not following the trend we were hoping for. I pretty much gave up hope only to read stories online of people carrying babies to term with low, slow rising hcgs and all said forget the numbers. I know they are the exception and not the rule, but I want to be an exception!!! I still have my appointment tomorrow for the ultrasound. Hopefully it's not on my cervix and hopefully it's really obvious that it's not viable. I don't know what I'll do if it has a heartbeat and grew!! Ugh! More to come tomorrow. 

The Good News (And Bad News) Continues

I spoke with my OB nurse today and received good and bad news, but I think mostly good news. One of the first things she said, "Well, this is a surprise!" She did not expect my numbers to go up as much as they did or at all. She was pretty convinced they would be going down and that I would have started miscarrying by now, so I'm already surprising everyone! :)

I asked her about the lack of doubling and she said all she looks for is a trend and a rise of 66% or more. What she will be looking for now is a continuation of that trend. A slow down, stop, or decline will be bad. I have another hcg test tomorrow and my fingers are crossed that the trend continues! She also said that she doesn't put much stock in the actual numbers, because they aren't always indicative of what is going on in the pregnancy. Case in point: based on my numbers Wednesday night they shouldn't have been able to see anything, but they were able to see a gestational sac and a yolk sac, and she thinks she can see the beginning of a fetal pole. Plus it measured right on time, so again - breaking the mold! Way to go baby!

I asked her about the irregular shape of the sac and she said in her opinion it was pretty round - maybe a little elongated, but pretty normal. So that is great news! She even said she saw what she called the "ring of fire" around the sac, which is a light ring around the sac, another good sign. The bad news: The sac was low. She said it's hard to tell exactly how low because the image is so magnified it's hard to tell where the sac is in relation to the rest of the uterus. What they will be looking for now is the exact location of the sac. Hopefully it is just in the lower uterus. What they are checking for is if the sac is implanted in the cervix. A baby implanted in the cervix is a dangerous ectopic and could cause hemorrhaging, rupture, which would cause me to lose my uterus and cervix, or kill me (Yeah it's REALLY dangerous). But it only accounts for 0.1% of all ectopics so pretty rare. If they see that the sac is in the cervix I will automatically be given a medicine that will abort the baby. A pregnancy in the cervix will never grow to be a baby, just like a pregnancy in the fallopian tube would never grow to be a baby. If the pregnancy is just in the lower part of the uterus they would keep a close eye on me and watch for placenta previa and some other complications. Most likely if it's just low in the uterus it would move up as the uterus stretched and everything would be ok. That is what we are hoping for!

The other bad news is that there is a bleed at the top of my uterus, which is probably where the blood on Wednesday was coming from. Basically the body sees it as something foreign and tries to get rid of it, potentially taking the baby with it. Hopefully the body reabsorbs it or it can come out without taking the baby with it.

 I have a third blood test tomorrow and a follow up ultrasound on Wednesday with an actual OB doctor so hopefully I get to see something this time and hopefully it's a growing sac, with a fetal pole, and a heartbeat!

To summarize: There is definitely a baby in there. It is NOT in my tube, but could be in my cervix. It is still implanted and still growing and progressing, just not sure at what speed at this point. I'm still in the game, but it's still a waiting game and it can still go either way. But I do have more hope than I did have! I am praying that if it is a viable pregnancy that my body doesn't get rid of it and it can continue to grow and develop. A few more days and I should know a lot more!

Maybe Good News?

Today I am 6 weeks exactly and after a spending a great weekend in Big Bear with some friends, I came home and had my blood drawn for my second hcg test. Waiting for the results of that test almost did me in! I checked my email every 5 minutes. Finally it showed up. My hcg levels rose! They didn't double, but they increased 73%. I don't know if I should be relieved or if it's just prolonging the inevitable. The OB nurse said she would be looking for an increase of at least 60%, which I surpassed, but it makes me nervous that it didn't double in the almost 72 hours between tests. Google has only shown me that it can go either way under these circumstances. So good news, but still in the waiting game. I am interested to see what the OB nurse has to say on Monday. I'm assuming I will be scheduled for another ultrasound in the upcoming week to see if a fetal pole and heart beat are visible. Symptoms wise, still pretty much nothing. My boobs are a bit more tender, I feel sick every once in a while and it lasts for only a few minutes. It's so fleeting I almost wonder if it's in my mind. And that's about it. I know that nothing I do will change the outcome, so I'm just trying to trust Heavenly Father and be patient. Easier said than done, but I am determined to do it! Heavenly Father is in control! He knows what's going on with this baby, even though I don't.