An End to the Wait

Luckily, I didn't have to wait long - or at all really. This morning I started bleeding. So far it's nothing too heavy or painful, but I assume it is just the beginning of this whole miscarriage process. To be honest, I am relieved. Waiting was harder than this. Now at least I know and I can move on. I am surprising myself at how well I am handling it. It helps that its been going on for a week so I have had time to process it and accept it. This baby was obviously not meant to be. Hopefully we will be able to get pregnant again soon and everything will be fine and healthy with that baby.

Seriously?

Well, this appointment wasn't exactly what I thought it would be. I had hoped for something definitive, but what I got was a whole lot more unanswered questions. Let's start at the beginning. The doctor I saw was very nice and I could tell he was really trying to give me hope (although I really didn't want hope if there wasn't any hope to be had - and I was pretty convinced there wasn't any.) So after his spiel about how I really wasn't far enough along to tell if the pregnancy was viable, I asked him about my hcg numbers and he said, "oh I don't really go by those. They vary so much." AHHH seriously!? So OF COURSE my hope grew. He continued to check my cervix - still closed. And started the ultrasound and that's when things got weird. First he said, "well as you can see, you already passed the baby." Wait. What? Is that even possible without bleeding? And with a closed cervix for that matter? Then he said, "Oh wait. There it is, but it's lots smaller! Like half the size. Maybe you passed part of it."  Um...what? Then he said, "Actually, I don't think this is what they were looking at last week, because this is no where near your cervix. They must have seen something else. (goes back to scan cervix area) Yep, they probably saw that thing. Looks like a blood clot. The real baby is up here in your uterus - totally normal spot. Nice and round. But definitely small. Maybe your dates are off. Could your dates be off?" By this point I was so confused I didn't even know what to think. Basically, the "baby" that has been freaking me and every doctor out wasn't even a baby? It was a blood clot!? Seriously? I told him when I got my positive pregnancy test and he agreed that my dates couldn't be too far off, so I am definitely measuring small, which isn't good.

 All in all, I am still most likely going to miscarry, but it's not low or irregularly shaped or anything. It's a normal pregnancy, in the normal part of my uterus, and it is slowly developing. He made a point that all pregnancies develop at different rates and there was still a chance, albeit a very small one, that I could go on to have a healthy baby in December. He told me no more hcg tests, because they won't tell him much, and to wait 2 weeks. In his opinion, if I am going to lose the baby I will in the next 2 weeks, if I don't then an ultrasound at that point should show something. So still in the waiting game.

I seriously have no intuition or feeling as to which direction this will go. I have decided to just live my life and see what happens. Heavenly Father is in charge. Nothing I do at this point will change anything. I am not in any danger (thankfully!) so I am handing it over to God and letting His will happen. Two weeks isn't too long and if I miscarry it may be less than 2 weeks. I am kind of separating my heart and mind from this pregnancy for the time being, because I just can't get emotionally attached or involved while there is so much up in the air. Here's to two more weeks (give or take) of waiting!  

Roller Coaster

Seriously, this is going to drive me nuts! My third hcg was only 2272 which was only a 37% increase in 3 days. Definitely not following the trend we were hoping for. I pretty much gave up hope only to read stories online of people carrying babies to term with low, slow rising hcgs and all said forget the numbers. I know they are the exception and not the rule, but I want to be an exception!!! I still have my appointment tomorrow for the ultrasound. Hopefully it's not on my cervix and hopefully it's really obvious that it's not viable. I don't know what I'll do if it has a heartbeat and grew!! Ugh! More to come tomorrow. 

The Good News (And Bad News) Continues

I spoke with my OB nurse today and received good and bad news, but I think mostly good news. One of the first things she said, "Well, this is a surprise!" She did not expect my numbers to go up as much as they did or at all. She was pretty convinced they would be going down and that I would have started miscarrying by now, so I'm already surprising everyone! :)

I asked her about the lack of doubling and she said all she looks for is a trend and a rise of 66% or more. What she will be looking for now is a continuation of that trend. A slow down, stop, or decline will be bad. I have another hcg test tomorrow and my fingers are crossed that the trend continues! She also said that she doesn't put much stock in the actual numbers, because they aren't always indicative of what is going on in the pregnancy. Case in point: based on my numbers Wednesday night they shouldn't have been able to see anything, but they were able to see a gestational sac and a yolk sac, and she thinks she can see the beginning of a fetal pole. Plus it measured right on time, so again - breaking the mold! Way to go baby!

I asked her about the irregular shape of the sac and she said in her opinion it was pretty round - maybe a little elongated, but pretty normal. So that is great news! She even said she saw what she called the "ring of fire" around the sac, which is a light ring around the sac, another good sign. The bad news: The sac was low. She said it's hard to tell exactly how low because the image is so magnified it's hard to tell where the sac is in relation to the rest of the uterus. What they will be looking for now is the exact location of the sac. Hopefully it is just in the lower uterus. What they are checking for is if the sac is implanted in the cervix. A baby implanted in the cervix is a dangerous ectopic and could cause hemorrhaging, rupture, which would cause me to lose my uterus and cervix, or kill me (Yeah it's REALLY dangerous). But it only accounts for 0.1% of all ectopics so pretty rare. If they see that the sac is in the cervix I will automatically be given a medicine that will abort the baby. A pregnancy in the cervix will never grow to be a baby, just like a pregnancy in the fallopian tube would never grow to be a baby. If the pregnancy is just in the lower part of the uterus they would keep a close eye on me and watch for placenta previa and some other complications. Most likely if it's just low in the uterus it would move up as the uterus stretched and everything would be ok. That is what we are hoping for!

The other bad news is that there is a bleed at the top of my uterus, which is probably where the blood on Wednesday was coming from. Basically the body sees it as something foreign and tries to get rid of it, potentially taking the baby with it. Hopefully the body reabsorbs it or it can come out without taking the baby with it.

 I have a third blood test tomorrow and a follow up ultrasound on Wednesday with an actual OB doctor so hopefully I get to see something this time and hopefully it's a growing sac, with a fetal pole, and a heartbeat!

To summarize: There is definitely a baby in there. It is NOT in my tube, but could be in my cervix. It is still implanted and still growing and progressing, just not sure at what speed at this point. I'm still in the game, but it's still a waiting game and it can still go either way. But I do have more hope than I did have! I am praying that if it is a viable pregnancy that my body doesn't get rid of it and it can continue to grow and develop. A few more days and I should know a lot more!

Maybe Good News?

Today I am 6 weeks exactly and after a spending a great weekend in Big Bear with some friends, I came home and had my blood drawn for my second hcg test. Waiting for the results of that test almost did me in! I checked my email every 5 minutes. Finally it showed up. My hcg levels rose! They didn't double, but they increased 73%. I don't know if I should be relieved or if it's just prolonging the inevitable. The OB nurse said she would be looking for an increase of at least 60%, which I surpassed, but it makes me nervous that it didn't double in the almost 72 hours between tests. Google has only shown me that it can go either way under these circumstances. So good news, but still in the waiting game. I am interested to see what the OB nurse has to say on Monday. I'm assuming I will be scheduled for another ultrasound in the upcoming week to see if a fetal pole and heart beat are visible. Symptoms wise, still pretty much nothing. My boobs are a bit more tender, I feel sick every once in a while and it lasts for only a few minutes. It's so fleeting I almost wonder if it's in my mind. And that's about it. I know that nothing I do will change the outcome, so I'm just trying to trust Heavenly Father and be patient. Easier said than done, but I am determined to do it! Heavenly Father is in control! He knows what's going on with this baby, even though I don't.

More Bad News

I got a call from an OB nurse to give me the final results of my tests yesterday. There is a gestational sac and a yolk sac, which means for sure it is not ectopic, which is good, but it is irregularly shaped and lying incredibly low in my uterus. When I asked her what that meant she said, "most likely impending miscarriage." That information combined with the low hcg result and the cramping and bleeding the odds are incredibly stacked against this being a viable pregnancy. I asked her in her experience what she thinks and she said, "Not viable, but I've seen crazier things happen so you can be cautiously optimistic." I don't think I can say I feel very optimistic, but I can't get myself to let go of the sliver of hope that somehow this baby will miraculously surprise everyone and grow to a healthy baby. I will take the hcg test on Saturday, but there is a good chance that I will start bleeding before then. I just don't want to be strung along here. If it's going to miscarry at any point, might as well be now. I read some stories online of women who had similar situations who's baby grew and hcg doubled for a few weeks only to eventually end in miscarriage anyway. No thanks. No false hope, please! More to come later.

Bad News

Yesterday afternoon I started bleeding and cramping a little. I was pretty sure I was miscarrying so I called Kaiser. With my history of ectopic they wanted me to go to urgent care, which I did. I arrived down in Fontana at 8:30 pm and luckily was seen right away in urgent care. The doctor gave me a pelvic exam and said I had no ongoing bleeding and my cervix was closed. She also said my uterus was enlarged so she felt like everything would be ok and I would go on to have a normal pregnancy. Just to be safe she sent me for a "stat" ultrasound and some blood work, including a quantitative hcg. I was disappointed to know that I would have to wait for the results of these tests in the ER before they would let me go home to make sure I didn't have an ectopic. I hoped that because I was being SENT to the ER rather than walking in by my own choice I wouldn't have to wait. Boy was I ever wrong!! I got in right away for the ultrasound and blood work, but once I walked into ER everything slowed to a halt. The ER was packed. They had me in the computer as "expected" but they said I still had to wait for a bed and that the current wait was about 2 hours. I was pretty mad! I waited about an hour before I went up to the check in nurse again and asked as politely as I could if there was any way to speak to a doctor. All I wanted were the results. I didn't want to wait 2 hours or more just for them to walk in and give me the results and send me home. She said they had moved me up but I still had to wait my turn. I WAS FUMING! If I had known all this crap was going to happen I wouldn't have called Kaiser until today. Eventually I was called back where I waited for yet another hour for the doctor to come in and tell me..... wait for it.... they couldn't tell for sure. AHHHHHHHHHHH! The doctor said my hcg was relatively low, 957, but as long as it doubled it was still ok. The ultrasound showed a sac, but no fetal pole, but that could be because I am so early. The only thing they could tell me for relative certainty was that it was not ectopic, which I am grateful for. I then waited another hour before they gave me my rhogam shot and discharged me. I didn't get home until 2:15 am. So I waited HOURS for them to tell me they weren't sure and send me home. I was pretty mad. I do have another hcg test scheduled for saturday. That test should give me more info. If it doubles then its a viable pregnancy. If not, then it's a miscarriage. So now I just wait. Of course I hope that this is all a big mistake. But I have a feeling it's not. I still have no symptoms and emotionally the pregnancy doesn't even feel real. In a way that has helped me and protected me during this whole process. I haven't been too sad, disappointed yes, but not sad. Maybe that will change when I actually know for certain its not viable, but for now I'm ok. I just pray that this coming test is conclusive and I don't have to wait longer to know for sure. So there you have it, this pregnancy might just be over before it has really even begun.

Number 3

Baby number 3 is on its way! We officially started trying last month and got pregnant the first try!! A few days before I left for Utah I had a day of spotting so I figured I would start my period soon, but after that one day there was nothing. I kind of wondered if maybe I had had implantation bleeding, but that seemed too far fetched. I drove to Utah with the kids on Thursday. Friday, I still hadn't started so I bought a test. I took it Friday night with my sisters and mom waiting in the family room. To my surprise it was positive! I went out to tell them and Tyler was so excited! He has wanted a baby sibling for months and has asked me constantly if there was a baby in my tummy. When I told him that night, he was so adorable! He gently hugged me and gave me a kiss on my cheek and said, "Thank you, mommy!" It was the sweetest thing! Clara on the other hand, didn't care and when I asked if she wanted a baby she said, "NO!" So hopefully she grows into the idea.

Currently I am only 5 weeks and feel completely not pregnant, which is freaking me out, but I looked through Clara's portion of this blog and re-remembered I didn't feel very pregnant with her at this point either. Trying not to worry. My due date is December 13th. A Christmastime baby...yikes! But I don't care.

I haven't had a doctors appointment yet, as I just got back from Utah yesterday, but I am going to make one this week. I am currently on zoloft for anxiety and I'm not sure what they will advise. I am willing to go off for this baby, but I am waiting for the doctors advice. Luckily, zoloft is a drug that has been approved for pregnancy, but there are some risks. We'll see what the doctor says.

Other than that there is not much to report. I am so excited and pray for this baby constantly. I'm hoping to feel a bit more pregnant in the upcoming weeks, although I wouldn't be too sad if the nausea never shows up. :) I will update more when there is more to update.