More Bad News

I got a call from an OB nurse to give me the final results of my tests yesterday. There is a gestational sac and a yolk sac, which means for sure it is not ectopic, which is good, but it is irregularly shaped and lying incredibly low in my uterus. When I asked her what that meant she said, "most likely impending miscarriage." That information combined with the low hcg result and the cramping and bleeding the odds are incredibly stacked against this being a viable pregnancy. I asked her in her experience what she thinks and she said, "Not viable, but I've seen crazier things happen so you can be cautiously optimistic." I don't think I can say I feel very optimistic, but I can't get myself to let go of the sliver of hope that somehow this baby will miraculously surprise everyone and grow to a healthy baby. I will take the hcg test on Saturday, but there is a good chance that I will start bleeding before then. I just don't want to be strung along here. If it's going to miscarry at any point, might as well be now. I read some stories online of women who had similar situations who's baby grew and hcg doubled for a few weeks only to eventually end in miscarriage anyway. No thanks. No false hope, please! More to come later.

Bad News

Yesterday afternoon I started bleeding and cramping a little. I was pretty sure I was miscarrying so I called Kaiser. With my history of ectopic they wanted me to go to urgent care, which I did. I arrived down in Fontana at 8:30 pm and luckily was seen right away in urgent care. The doctor gave me a pelvic exam and said I had no ongoing bleeding and my cervix was closed. She also said my uterus was enlarged so she felt like everything would be ok and I would go on to have a normal pregnancy. Just to be safe she sent me for a "stat" ultrasound and some blood work, including a quantitative hcg. I was disappointed to know that I would have to wait for the results of these tests in the ER before they would let me go home to make sure I didn't have an ectopic. I hoped that because I was being SENT to the ER rather than walking in by my own choice I wouldn't have to wait. Boy was I ever wrong!! I got in right away for the ultrasound and blood work, but once I walked into ER everything slowed to a halt. The ER was packed. They had me in the computer as "expected" but they said I still had to wait for a bed and that the current wait was about 2 hours. I was pretty mad! I waited about an hour before I went up to the check in nurse again and asked as politely as I could if there was any way to speak to a doctor. All I wanted were the results. I didn't want to wait 2 hours or more just for them to walk in and give me the results and send me home. She said they had moved me up but I still had to wait my turn. I WAS FUMING! If I had known all this crap was going to happen I wouldn't have called Kaiser until today. Eventually I was called back where I waited for yet another hour for the doctor to come in and tell me..... wait for it.... they couldn't tell for sure. AHHHHHHHHHHH! The doctor said my hcg was relatively low, 957, but as long as it doubled it was still ok. The ultrasound showed a sac, but no fetal pole, but that could be because I am so early. The only thing they could tell me for relative certainty was that it was not ectopic, which I am grateful for. I then waited another hour before they gave me my rhogam shot and discharged me. I didn't get home until 2:15 am. So I waited HOURS for them to tell me they weren't sure and send me home. I was pretty mad. I do have another hcg test scheduled for saturday. That test should give me more info. If it doubles then its a viable pregnancy. If not, then it's a miscarriage. So now I just wait. Of course I hope that this is all a big mistake. But I have a feeling it's not. I still have no symptoms and emotionally the pregnancy doesn't even feel real. In a way that has helped me and protected me during this whole process. I haven't been too sad, disappointed yes, but not sad. Maybe that will change when I actually know for certain its not viable, but for now I'm ok. I just pray that this coming test is conclusive and I don't have to wait longer to know for sure. So there you have it, this pregnancy might just be over before it has really even begun.

Number 3

Baby number 3 is on its way! We officially started trying last month and got pregnant the first try!! A few days before I left for Utah I had a day of spotting so I figured I would start my period soon, but after that one day there was nothing. I kind of wondered if maybe I had had implantation bleeding, but that seemed too far fetched. I drove to Utah with the kids on Thursday. Friday, I still hadn't started so I bought a test. I took it Friday night with my sisters and mom waiting in the family room. To my surprise it was positive! I went out to tell them and Tyler was so excited! He has wanted a baby sibling for months and has asked me constantly if there was a baby in my tummy. When I told him that night, he was so adorable! He gently hugged me and gave me a kiss on my cheek and said, "Thank you, mommy!" It was the sweetest thing! Clara on the other hand, didn't care and when I asked if she wanted a baby she said, "NO!" So hopefully she grows into the idea.

Currently I am only 5 weeks and feel completely not pregnant, which is freaking me out, but I looked through Clara's portion of this blog and re-remembered I didn't feel very pregnant with her at this point either. Trying not to worry. My due date is December 13th. A Christmastime baby...yikes! But I don't care.

I haven't had a doctors appointment yet, as I just got back from Utah yesterday, but I am going to make one this week. I am currently on zoloft for anxiety and I'm not sure what they will advise. I am willing to go off for this baby, but I am waiting for the doctors advice. Luckily, zoloft is a drug that has been approved for pregnancy, but there are some risks. We'll see what the doctor says.

Other than that there is not much to report. I am so excited and pray for this baby constantly. I'm hoping to feel a bit more pregnant in the upcoming weeks, although I wouldn't be too sad if the nausea never shows up. :) I will update more when there is more to update.

She's Here!

Clara Elizabeth was born June 14th. Birth story and all will now be on my family blog.

Picture comparisons

I had planned on doing this earlier so the weeks would be the same, but hey. I wanted to compare my baby bellies. The first picture is me at 34 weeks with Tyler and the second is me at 37 weeks with Clara. I know it's 3 weeks difference, but its still comforting that my 37 weeks picture is bigger than my 34 weeks picture since size has been such an issue this pregnancy. That's got to mean growth right?

Tyler

Clara

Finally!

So they never called, but I had an appointment yesterday and finally got the results of my ultrasound - AFTER I asked about it. He was all ready to send me out the door and I meekly asked, "ummm what about my ultrasound???" Oh yes, that thing I sent you in for to scare the pants off you. Well, he doesn't seem too worried anymore which is a good thing, but according to the numbers she still isn't really growing much. As of this last ultrasound she is in the 22nd percentile which is 12 percent lower than the first one. I know he told me 45th percentile initially, but apparently he meant 34th because that's what he told me yesterday. But he asserts that every ultrasound at this stage has a 10 percent standard deviation on both sides so she is probably fine. He didn't tell me anything about her measurements so I'm guessing if he's not too worried that they at least increased a little. He said he is not worried about a chromosomal defect, because if it were to show up, it would have showed up earlier, or IUGR as they have to be below the 10th percentile for that to be an issue. Phew! a sigh of relief there. He said most likely its nothing or a genetic defect - being a problem with her metabolism (aka liver, kidney, intestines, etc). But those are fairly rare so most likely its nothing, she's just small. Really small apparently. But I hold to me my belief that these ultrasounds are notoriously off. I've heard so many stories of babies being in these low low percentiles and then coming out quite average or vice versa, being in high percentiles and coming out smaller. He said that since her movement is good, which it is thank goodness, and I have no risk factors things are probably fine.

However, he went ahead and sent me in for an NST yesterday to check heart rate and amniotic fluid level. Good news is that she has plenty of fluid surrounding her and the nurse/technician lady giving me the NST said that usually if there is a problem with the baby or the placenta the amniotic fluid would be low so YAY! Another good sign! Her heart rate was a bit high, but she didn't seem overly concerned - just reminded me to drink more water. Her movement, like I said earlier, was also good, so good news all around. Pretty much at this stage we just wait for her to come. There is no way to know if there is a metabolic problem until she's born and obviously her size is pretty much a guessing game until she's here - so wait and see it is.

I am feeling a bit worried, but mostly confident that everything is fine. All signs point to a healthy (albeit small) baby. Good amniotic fluid level, good movement, healthy mommy, some growth (I think), and I remember at my last ultrasound the technician pointing out her bladder and tummy being full, which in my mind means she's at least giving that metabolic system a workout, and all her organs looked good at her level II ultrasound months ago and I don't see why that would have all of a sudden changed. All in all, unless there is a problem that has gone undetected, which does happen occasionally, she is fine. I'll be 37 weeks (full term!) tomorrow and as much as I want her here already, I want to give her as long as possible to grow grow grow so hopefully I'll go my last 3 weeks.

Don't Worry. . .

I feel better now. I had my night of freaking out and now I'm good. I still don't know the results, but that's ok. Two things happened. First, it seems like every time I feel I have a worthy cause to throw a pity party over, I find out about someone who has it so so so much worse and I kind of wake up and realize whoa what are you crying about? I had that happen to me yesterday twice and I felt terribly ashamed of myself. Ashamed of the stink I was making about something that wasn't even an issue for sure. Something that most likely would end up being fine. Ashamed that it took someone else's pain to show me what I had/have to be grateful for. So, I kind of snapped out of it and looked at my life and had a bit of a change of heart.

Second, I had an epiphany yesterday evening as I was driving home from work. I had been worrying about what ifs all morning and then at some point in the day I became too busy to think about what ifs and I forgot and stopped worrying. Then, when I got in my car and had gone maybe a mile a little thought came: "Hey, remember your baby might have something wrong with it." It was the strangest thing because it really came as a little voice like that. And then without fail another little voice said, "You don't HAVE to think or worry about this. Why choose to worry about something you have no control over?" It was almost like having a devil and an angel on my shoulders like in cartoons. Now, its not like I didn't know worrying was a choice or that I'd never thought of that before, but for some reason it was different this time. It really became a choice this time. I don't know really how to explain it. And hopefully the next time I have something to worry about (because believe me, I will find something else to worry about) I will be able to make the same choice. It was like I finally saw worry for what it was - a thing draining me of vitality and love and joy and I was able to erase it just like that. I really don't know how else to explain it. I don't know if it was just a little tender mercy for me when I needed it most or if I am finally starting to learn how to deal with my worry wart complex or both, but whatever it was I'm glad because since then I have been able to focus on the things that matter, the things I have control over. I am hoping for the best outcome possible for this little girl and I am grateful for experiences that wake us up and remind us what we have to be grateful for and the power we have over our own thoughts and feelings.