Thursday, July 23, 2015

Still Waiting

The ultrasound showed no abscess so I was cleared to get pregnant or do whatever. However, I still get left sided pain off and on. It may go on forever....who knows. As promised we have had a great spring and summer! Camping trips and a two week trip to Oregon. School starts in two weeks and Tyler will be starting kindergarten! Crazy!

The original plan was to start trying in July or August. Well, it's now almost August and we are not trying. I just can't seem to get over the fear of being pregnant again. I do not feel ready yet. I didn't think this would happen, but the closer I got to the reality of being pregnant again and facing the sickness and being pregnant after so many losses and hospitalizations I just couldn't do it. My friend jokingly referred to it as PTSD (pregnancy traumatic stress disorder). It's actually a pretty accurate description. The thought of facing months of sickness with a 50% chance of loss is just too much for me right now.

And so, we wait. It bugged me at first that I didn't have a plan or a date in mind, but eventually I was able to just let myself get used to the idea of going a month at a time. My mom assumes that as summer turns into fall and eventually winter and things become a bit dull and routine (especially after the holidays) that I'll start feeling a bit more ready and excited. I agree with her, but only time will tell. I do want another baby. Enough that I know eventually I will deal with the fear of pregnancy and go for it. It's just a matter of when.