Honesty

So if it's not terribly obvious, I've had some trouble with depression and anxiety this pregnancy. It doesn't help that this pregnancy is by far the worst physically either or the fact that the physical pains are only exacerbated by the depression - making it a horrible cycle of symtoms being worsened by depression and depression being worsened by physical symptoms. I knew there was a chance that my emotional health would be worse with the hormonal upheaval of pregnancy, but I had hoped I would be one of the lucky ones where the exact opposite happens. Unfortunately, it has been harder than I expected or even imagined. I feel decent some days and completely broken other days. Luckily the really bad days are infrequent, and luckier still I have occasional days where I feel almost normal. Those days give me hope that this will be short lived (hopefully only lasting the remainder of my first trimester). However the majority of the time I just feel blah. I have no motivation, I lose my temper quickly, I'm tired and sick and sick and tired. It's hard to tell where pregnancy ends and depression begins. But I know it's not all pregnancy. The guilt is hard too. I feel bad at what a horrible mom, wife, friend I'm being. I try to give myself a break but it's always there somewhere in the back of my head. The worst guilt comes from my lack of excitement over this pregnancy. I'm glad that prior to getting pregnant I felt very strongly about having a third child. So I know I want this baby and I'm thankful for it! I just feel bad that the most intense feeling right now is misery. Especially with friends and family having infertility problems and even losing pregnancies. I wish I was more excited and happy. Luckily I know this will all come to an end sooner or later, but right now it is really hard! I hope soon my posts will have a more positive spin!