Still Waiting

The ultrasound showed no abscess so I was cleared to get pregnant or do whatever. However, I still get left sided pain off and on. It may go on forever....who knows. As promised we have had a great spring and summer! Camping trips and a two week trip to Oregon. School starts in two weeks and Tyler will be starting kindergarten! Crazy!

The original plan was to start trying in July or August. Well, it's now almost August and we are not trying. I just can't seem to get over the fear of being pregnant again. I do not feel ready yet. I didn't think this would happen, but the closer I got to the reality of being pregnant again and facing the sickness and being pregnant after so many losses and hospitalizations I just couldn't do it. My friend jokingly referred to it as PTSD (pregnancy traumatic stress disorder). It's actually a pretty accurate description. The thought of facing months of sickness with a 50% chance of loss is just too much for me right now.

And so, we wait. It bugged me at first that I didn't have a plan or a date in mind, but eventually I was able to just let myself get used to the idea of going a month at a time. My mom assumes that as summer turns into fall and eventually winter and things become a bit dull and routine (especially after the holidays) that I'll start feeling a bit more ready and excited. I agree with her, but only time will tell. I do want another baby. Enough that I know eventually I will deal with the fear of pregnancy and go for it. It's just a matter of when.

Life Always Changes

I broke my get pregnant on the first try streak. We tried in January and nothing. I was kind of surprised. I had totally expected a positive. I would later find out that it was actually a blessing. We planned on trying in February and then if still negative taking a break until August or so. We wanted to be able to have a fun summer and a sick mommy does not equal a fun summer! In reality I never expected to have to take that break. I full heartedly believed that I would get pregnant in January or February. Getting pregnant has never been my problem!

A couple days before I was supposed to ovulate in February I started having lower left sided pain. I thought it was just gas or constipation and that it would go away in a couple days. Instead it got worse and worse. A day and a half later I was in excruciating pain! More pain than I've experienced ever before! Finally early Saturday morning Mark suggested we go to the ER. You know it's bad if Mark is suggesting the ER. To make a long story short. I ended up being admitted into the hospital (my second ambulance ride in less than 5 months!) with a severe infection in my fallopian tube (called salpingitis), a tubo-ovarian abscess the size of an orange, and sepsis!! I was severely ill!! I was on constant IV fluids, and 3 different IV antibiotics for 4 days. I was finally discharged and released with 2 different oral antibiotics. It took me about 2 weeks to feel normal. I still have some left sided pain, especially when I ovulate or am bloated. My doctor said that there is still inflammation in my abdomen and when things move around or become swollen or tender (like they do during ovulation and gas) it will cause pain. I will probably have inflammation for a while - possibly up to 6 months. I have had a couple follow up appointments and I am still waiting on the results of the final ultrasound. It will show if the abscess is still there, if my fallopian tube is clear or damaged. Hopefully everything is fine. If not, I may need surgery to either drain the abscess or possibly remove the abscess and the tube with it. I feel ready to accept whatever the outcome. Because of this, I do have a higher chance of ectopic pregnancy on that side because of scar tissue, or my tube could be completely blocked causing infertility on that side. But I still have my right side and that's all it takes! It just might take a little longer. I also have a higher chance of getting salpingitis again, but not too incredibly high. Now that I know what to look for and now that I have a record of this, my doctors will be more on top of it, and so will I!

So, as you can see, it was a blessing I didn't get pregnant in January. I can only imagine how much worse that infection would have been if I was pregnant. I'm assuming it would have killed the baby or possibly would have required me to choose a purposeful miscarriage to save my own life. I don't really know, but I do know it would have made things way more complicated! In fact, at one of my follow up appointments my doctor said he wouldn't be surprised if I had had this infection just stewing below the surface for the past year causing my miscarriages!! It actually makes sense. A year ago I had left sided pain that was never officially diagnosed. All they found was a small cyst on my left fallopian tube. (a cyst on my fallopian tube that was quite possibly the beginning of the tubo-ovarian cyst!!!) I had pain on that side off and on during the year, but I didn't think much of it. I can't believe that after all that...it might have been causing all this! UGH! But at least its taken care of now. My doctor said he thinks my next pregnancy will go much better! :) 

It was also a blessing that we had already planned on taking a break from trying because after all this I need a break. I do mentally, emotionally, and physically. After 2 miscarriages (one requiring a D&C and blood transfusion) and now this.... it's time for me to focus on me and the family I do have! My poor family has had to deal with so many ups and downs over the past year and we all need time to heal and spend time together. If anything this and the other experiences I've had this past year have taught me a lot and given me empathy, gratitude, and perspective. I feel I have grown tremendously and am changing for the better. I suppose that is the purpose of trials after all. I am planning on making this spring and summer our final big bang before we jump head first into pregnancy and having a brand new baby and starting that whole process all over again. It'll be a good one!    

Update

I finally had my final blood test and follow up appointment this week. The result: normal. All abnormal tests came back normal the second time around, meaning that most likely they were elevated from my last pregnancy. Good news.... I guess. Except, that leaves me with nothing to fix. So either its bad luck or poor egg quality. Can't do much about the egg quality so we just hope I have some really bad luck and that next time around my luck finally changes. With 3 miscarriages under my belt the statistics for a 4th miscarriage are about 40-50% and my chances for a healthy full term pregnancy is 50-60% So kind of 50/50 with the odds slightly in my favor. Can't say I particularly love those odds. All the doctor can do now is support the pregnancy any way possible - even if it's not necessarily proven to help. She put me on baby aspirin from ovulation until period or second trimester, whichever comes first. The baby aspirin is supposed to prevent blood clots and some studies have shown that it can reduce the risk of miscarriage. She is also putting me on progesterone suppositories as soon as I get a positive pregnancy test. The progesterone should support the placenta and thereby reduce the risk of miscarriage. Aside from that they just try to support me as much as they can emotionally and mentally. Studies have shown that women who feel more support and less stress have lower rates of miscarriage. The doctor I have been working with will be my doctor during my next pregnancy until I get past my first trimester and move to low risk. She told me that I will have a few extra appointments and that if I ever feel worried or scared I can call and come in for an extra ultrasound to check the baby! It will definitely help to have that reassurance. I think the hardest part of my next pregnancy will be the time between appointments. Last time I had all assurance that things should be fine and I knew that if I called in and said I was worried they would tell me I was fine. And yet, I had a dead baby inside of me for 3 weeks! My doctor said that if I called worried about the baby no one would think I was crazy, because I have a history and a reason to be worried. They will do everything they can to keep me stress free and reassured. I am so thankful for that! I was also given the go ahead to try again. I am actually really hopeful. I didn't think I would be, but I feel excited and hopeful that next time it'll stick! Hopefully I can get pregnant just as quickly this time and that everything will be perfect!