Honesty

So if it's not terribly obvious, I've had some trouble with depression and anxiety this pregnancy. It doesn't help that this pregnancy is by far the worst physically either or the fact that the physical pains are only exacerbated by the depression - making it a horrible cycle of symtoms being worsened by depression and depression being worsened by physical symptoms. I knew there was a chance that my emotional health would be worse with the hormonal upheaval of pregnancy, but I had hoped I would be one of the lucky ones where the exact opposite happens. Unfortunately, it has been harder than I expected or even imagined. I feel decent some days and completely broken other days. Luckily the really bad days are infrequent, and luckier still I have occasional days where I feel almost normal. Those days give me hope that this will be short lived (hopefully only lasting the remainder of my first trimester). However the majority of the time I just feel blah. I have no motivation, I lose my temper quickly, I'm tired and sick and sick and tired. It's hard to tell where pregnancy ends and depression begins. But I know it's not all pregnancy. The guilt is hard too. I feel bad at what a horrible mom, wife, friend I'm being. I try to give myself a break but it's always there somewhere in the back of my head. The worst guilt comes from my lack of excitement over this pregnancy. I'm glad that prior to getting pregnant I felt very strongly about having a third child. So I know I want this baby and I'm thankful for it! I just feel bad that the most intense feeling right now is misery. Especially with friends and family having infertility problems and even losing pregnancies. I wish I was more excited and happy. Luckily I know this will all come to an end sooner or later, but right now it is really hard! I hope soon my posts will have a more positive spin!

Gas

The last two days my nausea has been almost nonexistent (yay!) only to be replaced by the worst gas and indigestion pain I have ever had (boo!). If it's not one thing it's another. This gas is unreal! It's a focused pain under my left rib cage radiating into my back. So much pain and discomfort! I simultaneously want to stretch out and curl up into a ball. I burp and fart basically nonstop with no relief. Tums only seem to make it worse. I just want to cry. I don't know what was worse the nausea or this discomfort!! At least they aren't happening together!

So sick!!!!

Waaaah!! I can't do this anymore!! Why is this pregnancy so much worse?!?!

8-9 Week Check-up

Today I had my 8-9 week baby check where they check growth, heart rate, and such. I didn't realize how ridiculously anxious I was about it until I left and started having panic attacks in the car! It didn't help that I dry heaved while I was brushing my teeth. Stupid anxiety! My doctor said to expect an increase in the anxiety with the influx of pregnancy hormones and he was right. Luckily, for the most part I'm fine. Driving the hour down to my doctor though is kind of hard. I think it will get a lot better when the nausea goes away, since a lot of my anxiety stems around the fear of throwing up in public or while stuck driving in the car. Anyhoo, the appointment went great as far as baby is concerned! He didn't tell me the exact heart rate, but he said it's much faster. YAY! And the baby is nice and big - looking like a big blob. Actually, I even made out the head, and little arms and legs!! Unfortunately, I forgot the picture on the counter at the doctor's office! UGH! The baby measured at 8 weeks 4 days whereas my last period puts me at 8 weeks 6 days. He said that was nothing and kept my due date at March 31st. The same thing happened with Clara, so I'm not concerned. So everything looks good and my next appointment isn't until October 6th. 6 weeks away!

In other news, I am still feeling sick. Not quite as bad, but still yucky. Some days I feel almost normal, but those days are usually followed by 4 or 5 days of nausea. Any day now it can get better....any day! By now with both Tyler and Clara I felt better. I guess this pregnancy is different...woohoo. My energy is definitely on the upswing though, which helps a lot! At least I can get some things done. All in all things are looking up. 5 more weeks until this trimester is over!!

What Will I Feel Like Today?

My morning/all day sickness is all over the place! I threw up... I actually threw up on Saturday. I have never ever ever thrown up while pregnant until now. It came out of nowhere and scared the poop out of me. Now I'm even more anxious to go anywhere, because now I know I can and do throw up. Then Sunday I felt almost 100% normal. So normal I got a little nervous. Now, Monday, I'm back to feeling nauseous, but so far no throwing up. I just never know what to expect. Six more weeks until this ridiculous 1st trimester is over with!  

It's Back

Just for the record, the sickness came back yesterday. *sigh* Now time to put that faith in action.

Tender Mercy

In contrast with yesterday's post, today's post will be much more positive. I don't know if Heavenly Father could tell I needed a break or some sort of promise that things would get better, but today was light years better than yesterday. I had hardly any nausea or indigestion. My depression lifted! Last night I prayed feeling pretty desperate. Not because I felt sick per se, more because my depression was scarying me. I was afraid that I would fall into the deep pit of depression and have a hard time getting out. I've been there and it is a terrifying, horrible place to be. I was afraid that I would still be depressed even after I felt better. I felt like I was losing control and that scared me. I didn't want to be in that place again....especially while pregnant! So I prayed. I prayed for help to carry the burden of exhaustion and sickness. I prayed for strength and peace. I prayed that physical wellness would bring healing to my mind. I don't think I am done feeling sick, but I was given a day of rest. I was given confirmation that when I physically feel better my mind will follow. I hope I can retain the memory of this day if/when I have more bad days. The Lord is with me!