Most the people reading this blog will know that this past August, Mark and I found out we were pregnant after 5 months of trying (and a year more of me just wanting to try). At the time we were currently moving into a new house and I was ecstatic! I felt beyond grateful for the blessings in my life - a wonderful husband, good jobs, a new house, and a baby on the way! What more could I ask for? However, before the pregnancy could even get underway, I began feeling uneasy and worried. People told me I was being paranoid and that more than likely everything would be perfect. I struggled to agree and find the peace I earned for. A week and a half into my pregnancy I started bleeding and after days of bad news, and moments of miracles, we lost the baby. I was devastated, but knew that I could turn to the Lord for healing.
The complications of the miscarriage made it so we were given a waiting period before we could try again. Finally by the end of December we were given the go ahead and I launched into it with reckless abandon - ovulation tests, daily temperature taking, chart reading, day counting, research, you name it - I was involved. However, after two months of let down I was done. I was sick of counting, testing, and charting. I was sick of the obsession. I told Mark, "That's it - no more of this nonsense. We are going to live our lives like normal people." And so I embarked on my new journey of independence. I tossed the tests, hid the thermometer, and refused to write the days of my cycle on the calendar. I began to plan a summer trip, agreed to work full time teaching kindergarten next year, tried to spend more time with Mark, and less time thinking about myself and believe it or not - it was working! I was happy, I felt fulfilled, I was ok. And sure enough, this is the month it happens! After I don't know how many people told me that the sooner I got on with my life, the sooner I would get pregnant - here I am - pregnant! Am I still worried? You better believe it. But I am trying to put my trust in Heavenly Father and leave that burden to him. I know that I could lose this one too. I know there could be complications again. And for that reason Mark and I are being a bit more cautious and are keeping this wonderful blessing to ourselves for the time being. However, I am also aware that more likely than not, this pregnancy will be fine and that the baby will be healthy and normal. And I am striving to give up that worry and just have faith. Today in my scriptures I read in D&C 6 where it says, "Look unto Me in every thought; doubt not, fear not." There were several other good verses and stories, but that is my new motto! So, here we go! Our adventure to parenthood begins!
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