Don't Worry. . .

I feel better now. I had my night of freaking out and now I'm good. I still don't know the results, but that's ok. Two things happened. First, it seems like every time I feel I have a worthy cause to throw a pity party over, I find out about someone who has it so so so much worse and I kind of wake up and realize whoa what are you crying about? I had that happen to me yesterday twice and I felt terribly ashamed of myself. Ashamed of the stink I was making about something that wasn't even an issue for sure. Something that most likely would end up being fine. Ashamed that it took someone else's pain to show me what I had/have to be grateful for. So, I kind of snapped out of it and looked at my life and had a bit of a change of heart.

Second, I had an epiphany yesterday evening as I was driving home from work. I had been worrying about what ifs all morning and then at some point in the day I became too busy to think about what ifs and I forgot and stopped worrying. Then, when I got in my car and had gone maybe a mile a little thought came: "Hey, remember your baby might have something wrong with it." It was the strangest thing because it really came as a little voice like that. And then without fail another little voice said, "You don't HAVE to think or worry about this. Why choose to worry about something you have no control over?" It was almost like having a devil and an angel on my shoulders like in cartoons. Now, its not like I didn't know worrying was a choice or that I'd never thought of that before, but for some reason it was different this time. It really became a choice this time. I don't know really how to explain it. And hopefully the next time I have something to worry about (because believe me, I will find something else to worry about) I will be able to make the same choice. It was like I finally saw worry for what it was - a thing draining me of vitality and love and joy and I was able to erase it just like that. I really don't know how else to explain it. I don't know if it was just a little tender mercy for me when I needed it most or if I am finally starting to learn how to deal with my worry wart complex or both, but whatever it was I'm glad because since then I have been able to focus on the things that matter, the things I have control over. I am hoping for the best outcome possible for this little girl and I am grateful for experiences that wake us up and remind us what we have to be grateful for and the power we have over our own thoughts and feelings.