Duldrums

Warning! Downer post! I'm 7 weeks and here is how I'm feeling: like crap! I feel sick almost all the time and unlike my previous pregnancies I already have acid reflux and indigestion like crazy! I'm bloated and crampy and gassy and nauseous and exhausted. Today my head felt like it weighed a million pounds. It was so bad I cried. I'm tired of being sick. I'm tired of not wanting to but having to eat all the time just to stay in control of the nausea. I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of being so fatigued that getting off the couch is a chore. I'm tired of my house looking like a bomb went off. I'm just tired. And I still have so much more to go! This pregnancy has been harder than the last two. And I have to admit that all these physical symptoms are really taking a toll on me mentally. I'm depressed (obviously) which makes me feel anxious. I'm still on the Zoloft but it doesn't seem to be touching this hormone induced insanity. I can't look forward or I get overwhelmed at how much time I still have left. I'm hoping that my peace of mind comes back as I start to feel better. Right now I just have to take it a day at a time and pray like crazy to be able to carry this burden well enough that I don't completely neglect my kids. I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel and that this is hormonal and I just have to grin and bear it. I feel so bad writing all this because I am excited and thankful and all that. I just needed to vent. This is hard. Pregnancy is hard. I know it's worth it. I do. And soon it'll be but a distant memory. But for now it sucks. 

Sigh of Relief

I went in for my appointment yesterday and received some good news! The baby is in the uterus and its heart is beating!! The heart rate measured at 100 beats/minute which the doctor said is slightly slow but still normal so I'm not completely out of the woods yet. He said that most likely the heart just started beating so it hasn't had enough time to

speed up yet. I googled it when I got home, of course, and some sites say at 6 weeks 90-110 is normal. Others say anything above 103. So basically my little bean is on the slow side of normal. I have a follow up ultrasound scheduled in 3 weeks just to make sure. But I think if he were more concerned he'd have me come back next week.  Im just choosing to believe it's fine! My measurements also showed that I was six weeks yesterday not tues so my due date is actually April 1st. I figured that's when it was based on when I thought I ovulated. My symptoms have returned!! Oh it's not fun!!! Luckily the nausea is not constant. Through out the day it comes and goes. That periodic relief really saves me! If I felt that bad 100% of the time I would go insane! I hope it eases up in a few weeks like it did in my previous pregnancies! 

Not Again!

I might be miscarrying again! Yesterday I felt sicker than ever and I was feeling so confident. I finally passed the 5 1/2 week mark (barely as I'm only 5 weeks 5 days but still!). Then I woke up this morning with very little nausea. I told myself it was ok because symptoms can come and go and it wasn't all the way gone just not as bad. Then during church I started cramping a little, but I've had that before so no biggy, right? Then I went to the bathroom and saw brown spotting!!! Ugh!!!! Noooooo!!! This can't happen again! It's very minor spotting but I've never had spotting that was nothing. Plus combined with the cramps and lessening of symptoms I'm just having a hard time hoping for the best. I do hope and pray that these are all a bunch of coincidences but I'm skeptical. I'll call the OB dept tomorrow. There is no way I'm going to the ER again for a possible miscarriage - that was a joke! Hopefully I get good news!!! I do feel kind of sick right now. Hopefully thats a good sign!

Slowest Moving Pregnancy EVER

It's been a week...1 stinkin' week. Ugh! Today I am 5 weeks. Didn't I write that initial 4 week post weeks ago? Nope...just days. Still not feeling much. Boobs are still sore and the cramps have practically disappeared. I seem to already have pregnancy brain. I forget everything and can never think of words. I get randomly hungry sick if I don't eat, but that is all - not that I'm complaining. I did take another pregnancy test yesterday morning and it increased to 2-3, which puts me at 4-5 weeks which is what I am so at least my hcg is rising - not sure how fast - but it's rising. I still haven't called kaiser. I think I'll wait until 6 weeks. Hopefully this week goes by a little bit faster.

Update: Mark says my main symptom right now is moodiness. Apparently I go from lovey dovey to "I HATE YOU" and then back again in seconds. He says he just blames it on the pregnancy and ignores me. Probably the best reaction at this point..... Sorry Marky!

Second Try's a Charm

We're pregnant again!!! I took this test this morning- the day my period was supposed to show up. So I'm exactly 4 weeks. Estimated due date: March 31. I feel cautiously optimistic but still worried. I remember feeling this way with Tyler, since his pregnancy followed my first miscarriage. It's so hard to hope after loss sometimes. But I'm trying not to let those negative feelings take over. 

Symptoms wise I'm feeling pretty good. Slightly sore boobs and some cramps. I've decided to be grateful for the cramps. I had cramps with Tyler and Clara, but none last time. So cramps are good, right? I hope I feel sick soon. (I can't believe I'm saying that! Ha!) That will be the real test for me. Well that and seeing a heartbeat on a screen!! Last time I never ever felt an inkling of sickness. I checked back and found I started feeling sick around 5 weeks with Tyler and 5 1/2 to 6 weeks with Clara so I can't worry yet. Still have a week or two before I can even expect much. 

I pray constantly for this little peanut!

For Memory Sake

As of today it has been 9 days since I started miscarrying. I still have occasional spotting, but basically it's over. I had my hcg tested this morning and it was at 11! I am almost back to normal! Since I've already dealt with the loss, I'm just happy I can move on and start over. I plan on waiting one period, but after that hopefully I can get pregnant again quickly. The miscarriage process itself was not that difficult, thank goodness! I was kind of nervous. This was my first natural miscarriage so I wasn't sure what to expect. Everything online made it sound really painful and scary. But it was relatively easy actually. Like a slightly more uncomfortable period. I guess the people that post online (as with most things) are the ones that have bad experiences, not good ones. Anyway, my cramping was pretty light. The most painful part was the pressure for the first few days. It made standing up and moving around pretty uncomfortable, but I could still function. I believe I passed most everything Saturday and Sunday, about 3 days after I started bleeding. Since then it's slowly gotten lighter and lighter. Hopefully, in a few months I will be back posting about my new, healthy pregnancy!

An End to the Wait

Luckily, I didn't have to wait long - or at all really. This morning I started bleeding. So far it's nothing too heavy or painful, but I assume it is just the beginning of this whole miscarriage process. To be honest, I am relieved. Waiting was harder than this. Now at least I know and I can move on. I am surprising myself at how well I am handling it. It helps that its been going on for a week so I have had time to process it and accept it. This baby was obviously not meant to be. Hopefully we will be able to get pregnant again soon and everything will be fine and healthy with that baby.