Seriously?

Well, this appointment wasn't exactly what I thought it would be. I had hoped for something definitive, but what I got was a whole lot more unanswered questions. Let's start at the beginning. The doctor I saw was very nice and I could tell he was really trying to give me hope (although I really didn't want hope if there wasn't any hope to be had - and I was pretty convinced there wasn't any.) So after his spiel about how I really wasn't far enough along to tell if the pregnancy was viable, I asked him about my hcg numbers and he said, "oh I don't really go by those. They vary so much." AHHH seriously!? So OF COURSE my hope grew. He continued to check my cervix - still closed. And started the ultrasound and that's when things got weird. First he said, "well as you can see, you already passed the baby." Wait. What? Is that even possible without bleeding? And with a closed cervix for that matter? Then he said, "Oh wait. There it is, but it's lots smaller! Like half the size. Maybe you passed part of it."  Um...what? Then he said, "Actually, I don't think this is what they were looking at last week, because this is no where near your cervix. They must have seen something else. (goes back to scan cervix area) Yep, they probably saw that thing. Looks like a blood clot. The real baby is up here in your uterus - totally normal spot. Nice and round. But definitely small. Maybe your dates are off. Could your dates be off?" By this point I was so confused I didn't even know what to think. Basically, the "baby" that has been freaking me and every doctor out wasn't even a baby? It was a blood clot!? Seriously? I told him when I got my positive pregnancy test and he agreed that my dates couldn't be too far off, so I am definitely measuring small, which isn't good.

 All in all, I am still most likely going to miscarry, but it's not low or irregularly shaped or anything. It's a normal pregnancy, in the normal part of my uterus, and it is slowly developing. He made a point that all pregnancies develop at different rates and there was still a chance, albeit a very small one, that I could go on to have a healthy baby in December. He told me no more hcg tests, because they won't tell him much, and to wait 2 weeks. In his opinion, if I am going to lose the baby I will in the next 2 weeks, if I don't then an ultrasound at that point should show something. So still in the waiting game.

I seriously have no intuition or feeling as to which direction this will go. I have decided to just live my life and see what happens. Heavenly Father is in charge. Nothing I do at this point will change anything. I am not in any danger (thankfully!) so I am handing it over to God and letting His will happen. Two weeks isn't too long and if I miscarry it may be less than 2 weeks. I am kind of separating my heart and mind from this pregnancy for the time being, because I just can't get emotionally attached or involved while there is so much up in the air. Here's to two more weeks (give or take) of waiting!