Let the Testing Begin

It has been a little over a month since the D&C. I was referred to infertility because I have now had 2 miscarriages in a row, 3 overall, and because this last one was so late. So far it's just testing. I have had several blood tests. All have come back normal so far except the IgM and IgG test. However, they said most likely it's elevated from my pregnancy and I'll retest in a couple months. I've also had a uterine abnormality ultrasound which came back normal. Mark and I both had chromosomal tests, but we won't get the results back on those for about another month. Mark also has to give a semen sample. I'm assuming everything will come back normal and we will be one of the 60-75% of couples you have unexplained recurrent miscarriages. Really there is no obvious reason for this to be happening. We are healthy and young and haven't ever had alcohol or drugs or a cigarette. I am not obese or overweight. We have had 2 children without any problems. It's a puzzle.

As far as the baby is concerned, I finally got the pathology report back from St. Mary's only to learn that no testing was ordered so they only did a visual examination: weight, length, head shape, skin maceration. So I don't know the gender for sure and I will never know if it was something wrong with the baby or with me. I can't even begin to explain how upset I was when I saw that report. Maybe I had expected too much, but I was counting on that paper to rule out something, anything! And to help me with closure. I wanted to know the gender so so badly! I wanted to name it - if only in my heart. I felt like if I just knew the gender and whether or not it was sick I could heal a bit more. So when I saw nothing my heart broke all over again. It was a rough day, but luckily it only lasted the day and I was able to realize that it's still my baby regardless of it's gender or why it died. Someday I will know the gender. I will know that baby.

I have also learned some statistics. Two recurrent miscarriages only happens to 2% of women and 3 recurrent only to 1%. After 2 subsequent losses you have a 60-70% chance of having a successful pregnancy, which is actually not that much worse than never ever having a miscarriage. However, being part of 2% of the pregnant population makes even a 30% chance of another miscarriage seem terrifying and completely possible.  I'm starting to realize what a wreck I will be next time. I don't know when I'll ever feel "safe." I should have been "safe" last time. I made it so far. I had heard the heart beat 3 times. I was sicker than I have ever been. Everything pointed toward a completely healthy pregnancy and yet it wasn't. Was it me? Was it the baby? I don't know if I'll ever know. Next time nothing will ease my anxiety. Not symptoms, not a heart beat, not even making it past the first trimester. And since this last one was a missed miscarriage, the time between appointments might just do me in. I mean I walked around with a dead baby for 3 weeks! 3 WEEKS! The whole time thinking everything was fine! I will be a disaster! I can only hope that I will have divine help! I will need it!

Luckily, I haven't been given the green light to try again so I'm just trying to enjoy this time not being pregnant or thinking about being pregnant. I am giving myself time to heal (and maybe even forget) some of the pain and fear. I know that the second we start trying I will be afraid to get pregnant and afraid to not get pregnant. So for now I am just enjoying the lack of anxiety. In fact, I feel the healthiest mentally that I have felt in a long time! My anxiety is at an all time low and I love that! Maybe going through that trauma gave me a good reality check or maybe my hormones got knocked back into place. Who knows. Hopefully it sticks around! I also feel like I have gained a huge amount of empathy. I have a couple friends who are pregnant right now and in their first trimesters. I have found a lot of healing helping them out - bringing them dinners, taking their kids for a while, or visiting with them. I have also taken a good look at my life and the lives of my children and taken screen out of our lives during the weekdays and its been amazing! So there have definitely been blessings during this trial, which I am grateful for!

Where to Begin

So much has happened since I posted a week ago. I did have my follow up appointment Friday where the obvious was confirmed - a missed miscarriage at 14 weeks, baby measuring 11 weeks. I was scheduled for a D&C Monday morning in the Ontario Kaiser Hospital and was sent home to wait out the weekend.

During the weekend I struggled to figure out my emotions. Besides the tears I shed Thursday after first finding out, I felt kind of normal and I felt bad about that. Shouldn't I be devastated? What kind of mother was I? I looked up some missed miscarriage stories online and found out that many women felt similar in the interim between finding out the baby was dead and having the D&C. It's a numb, limbo feeling. You're pregnant, but not pregnant. You're a we, but at the same time just a me. Even though your mind knows, your heart is still coming to grips. I guess you could call it denial. I did have some anger. I felt a bit annoyed that I had been sick for so long for nothing. That after already having a miscarriage I was having another one. Most of my feelings were anxiousness for the D&C. I just wanted to get it over with and move on and deal with the emotional side of things.

Beside the small amount of spotting Wednesday, nothing else had happened to indicate my body had any idea what was going on. I figured since my body hadn't recognized the fetal demise for 3 weeks I was pretty safe. What was 3 more days? Saturday night, after waking up in the middle of the night to pee, I saw some brown spotting. My first thought was...uh oh my body just might be catching on. But I ignored it because I still had no cramps and everything seemed fine. More googling convinced me I could have several days of brown spotting before things really got going. So I didn't worry and just prayed that I would make it to Monday morning. As nervous as I was for the D&C, the thought of doing it naturally was worse. I did not want to do it naturally.

Sunday passed uneventfully and I was feeling pretty confident I would make it the few hours left until Monday. At bedtime I started feeling little tight and twisty contractions. They were so mild I would compare them to late term braxton hicks. I still wasn't worried so I fell asleep with a small warning to Mark that I was having small contractions. Around midnight I woke up with much worse contractions, but still no blood so I went out to the couch to watch a tv show to get my mind off the pain. It got worse over the next couple hours until it seemed to reach a pitch. I was in the middle of an intense contraction when I felt a pop and gush. I stood up quickly to avoid getting the couch wet and bloody and ran to the bathroom. Basically my water had broken and when I sat down over the toilet I felt something fall out of me. When I looked down I saw the baby hanging from the umbilical cord. It wasn't bloody or in the sack. It was a 3-4 inch, 11 week developed fetus! I don't know what can prepare you to see that. I started screaming for Mark hysterically. He came stumbling into the bathroom and was a bit disturbed at seeing the baby. I finally managed to detach it from the cord and just held it in a piece of toilet paper in my hand sobbing. Here was the grief I was waiting for. He was perfect! (I feel very strongly it was a boy so I'll just call it a "he"). He had two little eyes, a nose, a mouth, ears, arms, fingers, legs, toes, a belly button, everything. I couldn't bear to just flush him down the toilet! I finally wrapped him in toilet paper and put him in a bag. I would later hand him over to a lab technician. I should receive the results within a month or so.

Little Baby Andreasen. He really wasn't this gray/green color. The light in the bathroom made the picture this color. I couldn't give him away to the hospital without taking a picture. He was not disgusting to me in any way. He was my baby and I wanted to remember him forever. 

Once that emotional outburst was over, my body decided it was going to go in to full blown miscarriage mode. The cramps came back with a bang. "Cramps" doesn't even do it justice. These were not cramps, these were contractions and they HURT! I started to gush blood and clots and tissue. I sat on the toilet for an hour or so just watching life drain out of me. Within an hour or so I started to feel light headed, weak, and dizzy. Next came the dry heaving. I don't know if it was from the dizziness or the blood loss or just the trauma my body was going through, but every 15-20 minutes I would have to move from sitting on the toilet to leaning over the toilet so I could throw up. My body was so weak at that point that I had to prop myself against the toilet, throw my arm over the toilet bowl and lean my head on my arm so I wouldn't plunge face first into the toilet. I was getting worried that I might be losing too much blood and there was no sign of it slowing down. I was still a few hours away from my scheduled appointment time and I just couldn't imagine waiting any longer. I called Kaiser and after listening to me for a few minutes they told me to hang up and call 911 and get to the nearest ER now! Mark assured me he could get me to the closest ER (which wasn't Kaiser) as fast as an ambulance and I agreed. He woke the kids up while I laid on the couch and called our amazing friends the Clowards. They woke up ready to have 2 extra kids come over at 5 am. (I will forever be grateful to all the people who took our kids during that day with no notice - the Clowards, the Horrocks, and Molly Fox. I was so thankful that Mark could be with me the whole time and I never had to worry about my kids!) Anyway, Mark basically carried me to the car because I could not walk on my own.

When we got to the ER they took me back immediately. And finally, after a few questions I got relief thanks the the beauty of morphine. Even through the morphine I could feel the contractions, but at least I didn't want to die. At this point I called my mom and told her everything that was going on. Using her mom intuition she got ready to come be with me and help me. She knew I would need it. My amazing cousin, Crista, who works for delta, put her on a flight using a buddy pass and got my mom here by 8 pm. I seriously can't begin to explain how much love I felt that day!

 Anyway, I continued to bleed very heavily and my vitals were becoming unstable. My blood pressure was alarmingly low, along with my oxygen saturation, and my resting heart rate was crazy high at about 120-130. A simple lift of my finger would send my machine alarms into a frenzy. To make an already long story slightly shorter I spent about 8 hours in the ER here in Apple Valley while they tried to figure our what to do with me. A pelvic exam showed that my cervix was still open and my bleeding refused to stop. My hemoglobin started to fall quickly. I went from a 13 to a 10 within a few hours. They finally decided that they needed to transfer me to a Kaiser hospital an hour away in Ontario, but I couldn't go on my own so they called for an ambulance. My vitals were too unstable and they wanted me to be monitored every second. And so I experienced my first ever (and hopefully last) ambulance ride.

Getting ready to be loaded into the ambulance. I took this picture because Tyler thought it was pretty cool I was going to ride in an ambulance.

At the hospital my hemoglobin continued to fall until it reached an 8.8. To put that in context, they won't do surgery if it's below 8 and at a 7 your organs are effected. So I was low...really low... and getting lower. They informed me that I would need a blood transfusion and a D&C that night to stop the bleeding and replace what I had lost. This all sounds really emergent and crazy, but really it was all done in a very calm, non emergency kind of way. I never felt that I was in trouble or that things were going too fast or out of control. I knew it was serious, but I wasn't scared for my life or anything.

I was soon rolled into pre-op and prepared for the D&C. I didn't know it, but for the procedure you are put under and intubated. That kind of terrified me and for the first time since that morning I started to cry and get scared. I was just so weak and tired - mentally, emotionally, and physically. Mark prayed with me and we knew my mom would be there soon so I calmed down and waited for them to come get me. The rest of the night was a blur, if not completely forgotten. I have a memory of being given "happy medicine" and then nothing until they put the mask on me in the operation room. There's nothing after that until I woke up in recovery. I was pretty loopy in recovery and Mark videotaped me saying weird things like "Did I pee my pants?" and "Do I have Ebola?" and "Mark, you have 4 eyes." Soon my mom arrived and was able to come sit with me as I came out of the fog. There had been a piece of tissue or placenta stuck in my uterus causing the hemorrhaging. The D&C removed that piece and everything else, effectively slowing my bleeding to almost nothing. During my surgery I received 2 units of blood. I had a slight reaction to it causing a low fever, which is really common so they just waited until my fever came down and my vitals stabilized and sent me home. They were impressed at my quick recovery after surgery and I was SOOOOO happy I didn't have to stay the night. After 18 hours in a hospital, an ambulance ride, blood transfusion, and surgery I got to go home.

Since then, thanks to my mom being here to help, I have been able to rest and recover. The first couple days I felt like I had been hit by a truck after running a marathon. Everything hurt, even my skin and hair. Today is the first day that I feel physically normal. Emotionally I've been all over the place. That night when I laid down in my own bed after everything that had happened I felt gratitude. It wasn't an emotion I was expecting. But I just cried tears of gratitude for the baby, for the doctors, for my family and friends and husband that had been with me through the whole day, and for my life! Had I lived in a different time I might not have survived. The sorrow has come since then. I'm grieving and mourning the loss of this baby. I miss him and I miss all that I had planned. But I feel like he is mine and will be mine forever!


 

Missed Miscarriage

After being afraid of this for weeks and being told it only happens in 1% of pregnancies, it's happened to me. This morning was the Murphy's Law of mornings. We got out of here around 9:20 only to discover no gas, after getting gas we hit every single red light possible down Bear Valley, after finally making it onto the freeway we hit stop and go traffic through the pass, after finally getting down to Fontana with minutes to spare there were zero and I mean absolutely no parking spots. I had to park outside at a different building and walk. After finally getting into the building, we were told we were too late and would have to be squeezed in, so we sat in the waiting room for an hour and in the examination room for another 30 minutes or so. Oh and did I mention that my kids were with me during all this? I figured I was due some good news, but it wasn't going to happen. The doppler couldn't pick up a heart beat. At that point I knew what the outcome would be and surprisingly didn't feel surprised. I felt like I had known all along that this would be the end. I somehow knew I would have this missed miscarriage. Anyway, they rolled in a portable ultrasound machine and confirmed the fetal demise. The baby measured around 11 1/2 weeks - right when I started feeling better. When I told the doctor that, he said that made sense. Often times that's the only symptom of a missed miscarriage.

I have a follow up ultrasound tomorrow morning to officially confirm the fetal demise with a ultrasound tech and radiologist and to discuss my next move. The doctor today said its most likely too big to do naturally so I'll probably end up having a D&C - which is slightly terrifying. But at the same time now that I know it's gone I just want to move on. I don't need time to come to terms. I need time to heal and be with my family, not waiting for the miscarriage to happen.

The doctor also said since it's my second miscarriage in a row, and third overall they'll probably do a full work up on the fetus and on me to see what the heck is going on! Hopefully it's something easily fixed. It could just be a fluke, but who knows.

So there you have it. I'll write more tomorrow when I find out what the next step is.  

14 Weeks and Some Spotting

I am officially 14 weeks and feeling pretty dang good. The nausea is pretty much gone and so are the food aversions and such. Even the gaggy/indigestion feeling is off and on. The depression and anxiety has lifted. I've been feeling great! At least until today. I had some pink and red spotting and light cramps today. The spotting has stopped which is great, but the cramps are still there keeping me nervous. I have an appointment tomorrow morning to check the baby and make sure everything is ok. Man I was SO close to being in the "safe zone." Mentally and emotionally I feel fairly confident that things are ok or I'm in denial. Time will tell. Something in my brain just won't let me accept yet that after all this time it could be over. Hopefully I won't have to accept it. Although, I'd rather it happen now then at 20 weeks or 30 weeks or after birth. And here I was thinking that I maybe, sorta felt a movement every once in a while. Who knows? Maybe I have. Maybe I'll see an active, bouncy baby in there tomorrow.

My friends have been wonderful! One brought over cookies and another brought us dinner so I could stay laying down. It's really nice to know that when something happens I have a support group that will help take care of me! Tyler even wanted to give me a blessing. I told him he couldn't put his hands on my head and give me a blessing, but he could say a prayer and that would be like a blessing. So he said a little prayer about keeping the baby alive and helping it to be ok. Very sweet! If anything, his little faith will make this ok.    

12 weeks

There's my little 12 week bump. By night time after eating and bloating it's huge! So I figured a morning picture would be the most accurate. The past week I have started to feel better. Thank heavens!!! I still have evening and night time gagginess but I can actually do stuff now! And my motivation is slowly coming back too! I sorta want to leave my house on occasion. I hope this sticks and only keeps getting better. My depression is also lifting which is the greatest blessing of all! I may just survive this pregnancy!

Honesty

So if it's not terribly obvious, I've had some trouble with depression and anxiety this pregnancy. It doesn't help that this pregnancy is by far the worst physically either or the fact that the physical pains are only exacerbated by the depression - making it a horrible cycle of symtoms being worsened by depression and depression being worsened by physical symptoms. I knew there was a chance that my emotional health would be worse with the hormonal upheaval of pregnancy, but I had hoped I would be one of the lucky ones where the exact opposite happens. Unfortunately, it has been harder than I expected or even imagined. I feel decent some days and completely broken other days. Luckily the really bad days are infrequent, and luckier still I have occasional days where I feel almost normal. Those days give me hope that this will be short lived (hopefully only lasting the remainder of my first trimester). However the majority of the time I just feel blah. I have no motivation, I lose my temper quickly, I'm tired and sick and sick and tired. It's hard to tell where pregnancy ends and depression begins. But I know it's not all pregnancy. The guilt is hard too. I feel bad at what a horrible mom, wife, friend I'm being. I try to give myself a break but it's always there somewhere in the back of my head. The worst guilt comes from my lack of excitement over this pregnancy. I'm glad that prior to getting pregnant I felt very strongly about having a third child. So I know I want this baby and I'm thankful for it! I just feel bad that the most intense feeling right now is misery. Especially with friends and family having infertility problems and even losing pregnancies. I wish I was more excited and happy. Luckily I know this will all come to an end sooner or later, but right now it is really hard! I hope soon my posts will have a more positive spin!

Gas

The last two days my nausea has been almost nonexistent (yay!) only to be replaced by the worst gas and indigestion pain I have ever had (boo!). If it's not one thing it's another. This gas is unreal! It's a focused pain under my left rib cage radiating into my back. So much pain and discomfort! I simultaneously want to stretch out and curl up into a ball. I burp and fart basically nonstop with no relief. Tums only seem to make it worse. I just want to cry. I don't know what was worse the nausea or this discomfort!! At least they aren't happening together!

So sick!!!!

Waaaah!! I can't do this anymore!! Why is this pregnancy so much worse?!?!

8-9 Week Check-up

Today I had my 8-9 week baby check where they check growth, heart rate, and such. I didn't realize how ridiculously anxious I was about it until I left and started having panic attacks in the car! It didn't help that I dry heaved while I was brushing my teeth. Stupid anxiety! My doctor said to expect an increase in the anxiety with the influx of pregnancy hormones and he was right. Luckily, for the most part I'm fine. Driving the hour down to my doctor though is kind of hard. I think it will get a lot better when the nausea goes away, since a lot of my anxiety stems around the fear of throwing up in public or while stuck driving in the car. Anyhoo, the appointment went great as far as baby is concerned! He didn't tell me the exact heart rate, but he said it's much faster. YAY! And the baby is nice and big - looking like a big blob. Actually, I even made out the head, and little arms and legs!! Unfortunately, I forgot the picture on the counter at the doctor's office! UGH! The baby measured at 8 weeks 4 days whereas my last period puts me at 8 weeks 6 days. He said that was nothing and kept my due date at March 31st. The same thing happened with Clara, so I'm not concerned. So everything looks good and my next appointment isn't until October 6th. 6 weeks away!

In other news, I am still feeling sick. Not quite as bad, but still yucky. Some days I feel almost normal, but those days are usually followed by 4 or 5 days of nausea. Any day now it can get better....any day! By now with both Tyler and Clara I felt better. I guess this pregnancy is different...woohoo. My energy is definitely on the upswing though, which helps a lot! At least I can get some things done. All in all things are looking up. 5 more weeks until this trimester is over!!

What Will I Feel Like Today?

My morning/all day sickness is all over the place! I threw up... I actually threw up on Saturday. I have never ever ever thrown up while pregnant until now. It came out of nowhere and scared the poop out of me. Now I'm even more anxious to go anywhere, because now I know I can and do throw up. Then Sunday I felt almost 100% normal. So normal I got a little nervous. Now, Monday, I'm back to feeling nauseous, but so far no throwing up. I just never know what to expect. Six more weeks until this ridiculous 1st trimester is over with!  

It's Back

Just for the record, the sickness came back yesterday. *sigh* Now time to put that faith in action.

Tender Mercy

In contrast with yesterday's post, today's post will be much more positive. I don't know if Heavenly Father could tell I needed a break or some sort of promise that things would get better, but today was light years better than yesterday. I had hardly any nausea or indigestion. My depression lifted! Last night I prayed feeling pretty desperate. Not because I felt sick per se, more because my depression was scarying me. I was afraid that I would fall into the deep pit of depression and have a hard time getting out. I've been there and it is a terrifying, horrible place to be. I was afraid that I would still be depressed even after I felt better. I felt like I was losing control and that scared me. I didn't want to be in that place again....especially while pregnant! So I prayed. I prayed for help to carry the burden of exhaustion and sickness. I prayed for strength and peace. I prayed that physical wellness would bring healing to my mind. I don't think I am done feeling sick, but I was given a day of rest. I was given confirmation that when I physically feel better my mind will follow. I hope I can retain the memory of this day if/when I have more bad days. The Lord is with me! 

Duldrums

Warning! Downer post! I'm 7 weeks and here is how I'm feeling: like crap! I feel sick almost all the time and unlike my previous pregnancies I already have acid reflux and indigestion like crazy! I'm bloated and crampy and gassy and nauseous and exhausted. Today my head felt like it weighed a million pounds. It was so bad I cried. I'm tired of being sick. I'm tired of not wanting to but having to eat all the time just to stay in control of the nausea. I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of being so fatigued that getting off the couch is a chore. I'm tired of my house looking like a bomb went off. I'm just tired. And I still have so much more to go! This pregnancy has been harder than the last two. And I have to admit that all these physical symptoms are really taking a toll on me mentally. I'm depressed (obviously) which makes me feel anxious. I'm still on the Zoloft but it doesn't seem to be touching this hormone induced insanity. I can't look forward or I get overwhelmed at how much time I still have left. I'm hoping that my peace of mind comes back as I start to feel better. Right now I just have to take it a day at a time and pray like crazy to be able to carry this burden well enough that I don't completely neglect my kids. I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel and that this is hormonal and I just have to grin and bear it. I feel so bad writing all this because I am excited and thankful and all that. I just needed to vent. This is hard. Pregnancy is hard. I know it's worth it. I do. And soon it'll be but a distant memory. But for now it sucks. 

Sigh of Relief

I went in for my appointment yesterday and received some good news! The baby is in the uterus and its heart is beating!! The heart rate measured at 100 beats/minute which the doctor said is slightly slow but still normal so I'm not completely out of the woods yet. He said that most likely the heart just started beating so it hasn't had enough time to

speed up yet. I googled it when I got home, of course, and some sites say at 6 weeks 90-110 is normal. Others say anything above 103. So basically my little bean is on the slow side of normal. I have a follow up ultrasound scheduled in 3 weeks just to make sure. But I think if he were more concerned he'd have me come back next week.  Im just choosing to believe it's fine! My measurements also showed that I was six weeks yesterday not tues so my due date is actually April 1st. I figured that's when it was based on when I thought I ovulated. My symptoms have returned!! Oh it's not fun!!! Luckily the nausea is not constant. Through out the day it comes and goes. That periodic relief really saves me! If I felt that bad 100% of the time I would go insane! I hope it eases up in a few weeks like it did in my previous pregnancies! 

Not Again!

I might be miscarrying again! Yesterday I felt sicker than ever and I was feeling so confident. I finally passed the 5 1/2 week mark (barely as I'm only 5 weeks 5 days but still!). Then I woke up this morning with very little nausea. I told myself it was ok because symptoms can come and go and it wasn't all the way gone just not as bad. Then during church I started cramping a little, but I've had that before so no biggy, right? Then I went to the bathroom and saw brown spotting!!! Ugh!!!! Noooooo!!! This can't happen again! It's very minor spotting but I've never had spotting that was nothing. Plus combined with the cramps and lessening of symptoms I'm just having a hard time hoping for the best. I do hope and pray that these are all a bunch of coincidences but I'm skeptical. I'll call the OB dept tomorrow. There is no way I'm going to the ER again for a possible miscarriage - that was a joke! Hopefully I get good news!!! I do feel kind of sick right now. Hopefully thats a good sign!

Slowest Moving Pregnancy EVER

It's been a week...1 stinkin' week. Ugh! Today I am 5 weeks. Didn't I write that initial 4 week post weeks ago? Nope...just days. Still not feeling much. Boobs are still sore and the cramps have practically disappeared. I seem to already have pregnancy brain. I forget everything and can never think of words. I get randomly hungry sick if I don't eat, but that is all - not that I'm complaining. I did take another pregnancy test yesterday morning and it increased to 2-3, which puts me at 4-5 weeks which is what I am so at least my hcg is rising - not sure how fast - but it's rising. I still haven't called kaiser. I think I'll wait until 6 weeks. Hopefully this week goes by a little bit faster.

Update: Mark says my main symptom right now is moodiness. Apparently I go from lovey dovey to "I HATE YOU" and then back again in seconds. He says he just blames it on the pregnancy and ignores me. Probably the best reaction at this point..... Sorry Marky!

Second Try's a Charm

We're pregnant again!!! I took this test this morning- the day my period was supposed to show up. So I'm exactly 4 weeks. Estimated due date: March 31. I feel cautiously optimistic but still worried. I remember feeling this way with Tyler, since his pregnancy followed my first miscarriage. It's so hard to hope after loss sometimes. But I'm trying not to let those negative feelings take over. 

Symptoms wise I'm feeling pretty good. Slightly sore boobs and some cramps. I've decided to be grateful for the cramps. I had cramps with Tyler and Clara, but none last time. So cramps are good, right? I hope I feel sick soon. (I can't believe I'm saying that! Ha!) That will be the real test for me. Well that and seeing a heartbeat on a screen!! Last time I never ever felt an inkling of sickness. I checked back and found I started feeling sick around 5 weeks with Tyler and 5 1/2 to 6 weeks with Clara so I can't worry yet. Still have a week or two before I can even expect much. 

I pray constantly for this little peanut!

For Memory Sake

As of today it has been 9 days since I started miscarrying. I still have occasional spotting, but basically it's over. I had my hcg tested this morning and it was at 11! I am almost back to normal! Since I've already dealt with the loss, I'm just happy I can move on and start over. I plan on waiting one period, but after that hopefully I can get pregnant again quickly. The miscarriage process itself was not that difficult, thank goodness! I was kind of nervous. This was my first natural miscarriage so I wasn't sure what to expect. Everything online made it sound really painful and scary. But it was relatively easy actually. Like a slightly more uncomfortable period. I guess the people that post online (as with most things) are the ones that have bad experiences, not good ones. Anyway, my cramping was pretty light. The most painful part was the pressure for the first few days. It made standing up and moving around pretty uncomfortable, but I could still function. I believe I passed most everything Saturday and Sunday, about 3 days after I started bleeding. Since then it's slowly gotten lighter and lighter. Hopefully, in a few months I will be back posting about my new, healthy pregnancy!

An End to the Wait

Luckily, I didn't have to wait long - or at all really. This morning I started bleeding. So far it's nothing too heavy or painful, but I assume it is just the beginning of this whole miscarriage process. To be honest, I am relieved. Waiting was harder than this. Now at least I know and I can move on. I am surprising myself at how well I am handling it. It helps that its been going on for a week so I have had time to process it and accept it. This baby was obviously not meant to be. Hopefully we will be able to get pregnant again soon and everything will be fine and healthy with that baby.

Seriously?

Well, this appointment wasn't exactly what I thought it would be. I had hoped for something definitive, but what I got was a whole lot more unanswered questions. Let's start at the beginning. The doctor I saw was very nice and I could tell he was really trying to give me hope (although I really didn't want hope if there wasn't any hope to be had - and I was pretty convinced there wasn't any.) So after his spiel about how I really wasn't far enough along to tell if the pregnancy was viable, I asked him about my hcg numbers and he said, "oh I don't really go by those. They vary so much." AHHH seriously!? So OF COURSE my hope grew. He continued to check my cervix - still closed. And started the ultrasound and that's when things got weird. First he said, "well as you can see, you already passed the baby." Wait. What? Is that even possible without bleeding? And with a closed cervix for that matter? Then he said, "Oh wait. There it is, but it's lots smaller! Like half the size. Maybe you passed part of it."  Um...what? Then he said, "Actually, I don't think this is what they were looking at last week, because this is no where near your cervix. They must have seen something else. (goes back to scan cervix area) Yep, they probably saw that thing. Looks like a blood clot. The real baby is up here in your uterus - totally normal spot. Nice and round. But definitely small. Maybe your dates are off. Could your dates be off?" By this point I was so confused I didn't even know what to think. Basically, the "baby" that has been freaking me and every doctor out wasn't even a baby? It was a blood clot!? Seriously? I told him when I got my positive pregnancy test and he agreed that my dates couldn't be too far off, so I am definitely measuring small, which isn't good.

 All in all, I am still most likely going to miscarry, but it's not low or irregularly shaped or anything. It's a normal pregnancy, in the normal part of my uterus, and it is slowly developing. He made a point that all pregnancies develop at different rates and there was still a chance, albeit a very small one, that I could go on to have a healthy baby in December. He told me no more hcg tests, because they won't tell him much, and to wait 2 weeks. In his opinion, if I am going to lose the baby I will in the next 2 weeks, if I don't then an ultrasound at that point should show something. So still in the waiting game.

I seriously have no intuition or feeling as to which direction this will go. I have decided to just live my life and see what happens. Heavenly Father is in charge. Nothing I do at this point will change anything. I am not in any danger (thankfully!) so I am handing it over to God and letting His will happen. Two weeks isn't too long and if I miscarry it may be less than 2 weeks. I am kind of separating my heart and mind from this pregnancy for the time being, because I just can't get emotionally attached or involved while there is so much up in the air. Here's to two more weeks (give or take) of waiting!  

Roller Coaster

Seriously, this is going to drive me nuts! My third hcg was only 2272 which was only a 37% increase in 3 days. Definitely not following the trend we were hoping for. I pretty much gave up hope only to read stories online of people carrying babies to term with low, slow rising hcgs and all said forget the numbers. I know they are the exception and not the rule, but I want to be an exception!!! I still have my appointment tomorrow for the ultrasound. Hopefully it's not on my cervix and hopefully it's really obvious that it's not viable. I don't know what I'll do if it has a heartbeat and grew!! Ugh! More to come tomorrow. 

The Good News (And Bad News) Continues

I spoke with my OB nurse today and received good and bad news, but I think mostly good news. One of the first things she said, "Well, this is a surprise!" She did not expect my numbers to go up as much as they did or at all. She was pretty convinced they would be going down and that I would have started miscarrying by now, so I'm already surprising everyone! :)

I asked her about the lack of doubling and she said all she looks for is a trend and a rise of 66% or more. What she will be looking for now is a continuation of that trend. A slow down, stop, or decline will be bad. I have another hcg test tomorrow and my fingers are crossed that the trend continues! She also said that she doesn't put much stock in the actual numbers, because they aren't always indicative of what is going on in the pregnancy. Case in point: based on my numbers Wednesday night they shouldn't have been able to see anything, but they were able to see a gestational sac and a yolk sac, and she thinks she can see the beginning of a fetal pole. Plus it measured right on time, so again - breaking the mold! Way to go baby!

I asked her about the irregular shape of the sac and she said in her opinion it was pretty round - maybe a little elongated, but pretty normal. So that is great news! She even said she saw what she called the "ring of fire" around the sac, which is a light ring around the sac, another good sign. The bad news: The sac was low. She said it's hard to tell exactly how low because the image is so magnified it's hard to tell where the sac is in relation to the rest of the uterus. What they will be looking for now is the exact location of the sac. Hopefully it is just in the lower uterus. What they are checking for is if the sac is implanted in the cervix. A baby implanted in the cervix is a dangerous ectopic and could cause hemorrhaging, rupture, which would cause me to lose my uterus and cervix, or kill me (Yeah it's REALLY dangerous). But it only accounts for 0.1% of all ectopics so pretty rare. If they see that the sac is in the cervix I will automatically be given a medicine that will abort the baby. A pregnancy in the cervix will never grow to be a baby, just like a pregnancy in the fallopian tube would never grow to be a baby. If the pregnancy is just in the lower part of the uterus they would keep a close eye on me and watch for placenta previa and some other complications. Most likely if it's just low in the uterus it would move up as the uterus stretched and everything would be ok. That is what we are hoping for!

The other bad news is that there is a bleed at the top of my uterus, which is probably where the blood on Wednesday was coming from. Basically the body sees it as something foreign and tries to get rid of it, potentially taking the baby with it. Hopefully the body reabsorbs it or it can come out without taking the baby with it.

 I have a third blood test tomorrow and a follow up ultrasound on Wednesday with an actual OB doctor so hopefully I get to see something this time and hopefully it's a growing sac, with a fetal pole, and a heartbeat!

To summarize: There is definitely a baby in there. It is NOT in my tube, but could be in my cervix. It is still implanted and still growing and progressing, just not sure at what speed at this point. I'm still in the game, but it's still a waiting game and it can still go either way. But I do have more hope than I did have! I am praying that if it is a viable pregnancy that my body doesn't get rid of it and it can continue to grow and develop. A few more days and I should know a lot more!

Maybe Good News?

Today I am 6 weeks exactly and after a spending a great weekend in Big Bear with some friends, I came home and had my blood drawn for my second hcg test. Waiting for the results of that test almost did me in! I checked my email every 5 minutes. Finally it showed up. My hcg levels rose! They didn't double, but they increased 73%. I don't know if I should be relieved or if it's just prolonging the inevitable. The OB nurse said she would be looking for an increase of at least 60%, which I surpassed, but it makes me nervous that it didn't double in the almost 72 hours between tests. Google has only shown me that it can go either way under these circumstances. So good news, but still in the waiting game. I am interested to see what the OB nurse has to say on Monday. I'm assuming I will be scheduled for another ultrasound in the upcoming week to see if a fetal pole and heart beat are visible. Symptoms wise, still pretty much nothing. My boobs are a bit more tender, I feel sick every once in a while and it lasts for only a few minutes. It's so fleeting I almost wonder if it's in my mind. And that's about it. I know that nothing I do will change the outcome, so I'm just trying to trust Heavenly Father and be patient. Easier said than done, but I am determined to do it! Heavenly Father is in control! He knows what's going on with this baby, even though I don't.

More Bad News

I got a call from an OB nurse to give me the final results of my tests yesterday. There is a gestational sac and a yolk sac, which means for sure it is not ectopic, which is good, but it is irregularly shaped and lying incredibly low in my uterus. When I asked her what that meant she said, "most likely impending miscarriage." That information combined with the low hcg result and the cramping and bleeding the odds are incredibly stacked against this being a viable pregnancy. I asked her in her experience what she thinks and she said, "Not viable, but I've seen crazier things happen so you can be cautiously optimistic." I don't think I can say I feel very optimistic, but I can't get myself to let go of the sliver of hope that somehow this baby will miraculously surprise everyone and grow to a healthy baby. I will take the hcg test on Saturday, but there is a good chance that I will start bleeding before then. I just don't want to be strung along here. If it's going to miscarry at any point, might as well be now. I read some stories online of women who had similar situations who's baby grew and hcg doubled for a few weeks only to eventually end in miscarriage anyway. No thanks. No false hope, please! More to come later.

Bad News

Yesterday afternoon I started bleeding and cramping a little. I was pretty sure I was miscarrying so I called Kaiser. With my history of ectopic they wanted me to go to urgent care, which I did. I arrived down in Fontana at 8:30 pm and luckily was seen right away in urgent care. The doctor gave me a pelvic exam and said I had no ongoing bleeding and my cervix was closed. She also said my uterus was enlarged so she felt like everything would be ok and I would go on to have a normal pregnancy. Just to be safe she sent me for a "stat" ultrasound and some blood work, including a quantitative hcg. I was disappointed to know that I would have to wait for the results of these tests in the ER before they would let me go home to make sure I didn't have an ectopic. I hoped that because I was being SENT to the ER rather than walking in by my own choice I wouldn't have to wait. Boy was I ever wrong!! I got in right away for the ultrasound and blood work, but once I walked into ER everything slowed to a halt. The ER was packed. They had me in the computer as "expected" but they said I still had to wait for a bed and that the current wait was about 2 hours. I was pretty mad! I waited about an hour before I went up to the check in nurse again and asked as politely as I could if there was any way to speak to a doctor. All I wanted were the results. I didn't want to wait 2 hours or more just for them to walk in and give me the results and send me home. She said they had moved me up but I still had to wait my turn. I WAS FUMING! If I had known all this crap was going to happen I wouldn't have called Kaiser until today. Eventually I was called back where I waited for yet another hour for the doctor to come in and tell me..... wait for it.... they couldn't tell for sure. AHHHHHHHHHHH! The doctor said my hcg was relatively low, 957, but as long as it doubled it was still ok. The ultrasound showed a sac, but no fetal pole, but that could be because I am so early. The only thing they could tell me for relative certainty was that it was not ectopic, which I am grateful for. I then waited another hour before they gave me my rhogam shot and discharged me. I didn't get home until 2:15 am. So I waited HOURS for them to tell me they weren't sure and send me home. I was pretty mad. I do have another hcg test scheduled for saturday. That test should give me more info. If it doubles then its a viable pregnancy. If not, then it's a miscarriage. So now I just wait. Of course I hope that this is all a big mistake. But I have a feeling it's not. I still have no symptoms and emotionally the pregnancy doesn't even feel real. In a way that has helped me and protected me during this whole process. I haven't been too sad, disappointed yes, but not sad. Maybe that will change when I actually know for certain its not viable, but for now I'm ok. I just pray that this coming test is conclusive and I don't have to wait longer to know for sure. So there you have it, this pregnancy might just be over before it has really even begun.

Number 3

Baby number 3 is on its way! We officially started trying last month and got pregnant the first try!! A few days before I left for Utah I had a day of spotting so I figured I would start my period soon, but after that one day there was nothing. I kind of wondered if maybe I had had implantation bleeding, but that seemed too far fetched. I drove to Utah with the kids on Thursday. Friday, I still hadn't started so I bought a test. I took it Friday night with my sisters and mom waiting in the family room. To my surprise it was positive! I went out to tell them and Tyler was so excited! He has wanted a baby sibling for months and has asked me constantly if there was a baby in my tummy. When I told him that night, he was so adorable! He gently hugged me and gave me a kiss on my cheek and said, "Thank you, mommy!" It was the sweetest thing! Clara on the other hand, didn't care and when I asked if she wanted a baby she said, "NO!" So hopefully she grows into the idea.

Currently I am only 5 weeks and feel completely not pregnant, which is freaking me out, but I looked through Clara's portion of this blog and re-remembered I didn't feel very pregnant with her at this point either. Trying not to worry. My due date is December 13th. A Christmastime baby...yikes! But I don't care.

I haven't had a doctors appointment yet, as I just got back from Utah yesterday, but I am going to make one this week. I am currently on zoloft for anxiety and I'm not sure what they will advise. I am willing to go off for this baby, but I am waiting for the doctors advice. Luckily, zoloft is a drug that has been approved for pregnancy, but there are some risks. We'll see what the doctor says.

Other than that there is not much to report. I am so excited and pray for this baby constantly. I'm hoping to feel a bit more pregnant in the upcoming weeks, although I wouldn't be too sad if the nausea never shows up. :) I will update more when there is more to update.